what the ferch!?

Sometimes, when you wear your heart on your sleeve it can be considered indecent exposure.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’- Alfred Lord Tennyson

I used to think that was bullshit. Why would you want to kiss that bliss, only to know it may be taken away just as swiftly? If the pain can be avoided, wouldn’t I want to avoid it?

The distance I placed between myself and everyone else grew larger. I became removed from even being in the present moment. Smiles projected by jesters were plastered on my face. Basic human interactions appeared foreign; I realized that PROBABLY wasn’t a good thing. I felt this need to familiarize myself with my people again.

I began asking questions. Not about how we interact. Rather, how people react. I’d ask the simple but profound questions. “How are you… really?” We only give what we feel we are comfortable giving. What we often fail to remember is that you give equal to what you get (mostly… but there are oversharers. ha.). Trust: you give what you get. Respect: you give what you get. love: you give what you hope to get.

love is war. scars will be present. parts may be lost. but you’ll recover and heal so you can retell your war stories and learn from your lessons.

nothing you can do but put yourself out there. earn yourself some purple hearts, but as long as they don’t honor you posthumously.

23 Nov 09

Some people can not see past the stereotypes they place you in.

Walking through Disneyland on Easter Sunday, we passed a group that was taking a picture. After they snapped one, I offered to take their picture so the camera person can get in the picture. After the group agreed and while the posed for the picture, one of them asked, “You’re not the type that’s gonna run off and take the camera, are ya??”

I replied, “No I’m not like that. I’m the Asian that takes good pictures.”

Coincidentally, I think I took a blurry one.

5 Jan 10

There is a sequence to everything... regardless however the story is told. counting down, up, or in patterns; there is an order to it. #8765

I originally posted this because I wanted something quirky to be my 8765th tweet.

but that doesn’t make the statement less true. there are patterns.

it's about the little things... After all, small bricks build the strongest foundations to the biggest buildings, right?

I used to have a theory about walls. However, unlike the way most people use the wall metaphor (as a defensive measure), I used the theory about bricks of trust. or even faith.

turning pages

earlier in the evening, i decided to pick up the old journal and write the first passage in almost 5 years. but instead of picking up the pen or pencil and putting it to the paper, i ending up reading through the old memories. i began reading them from the most recent to the older entries. the story began to unravel like in the movie Memento. As I got further into reading the recollections, pieces i passed earlier in the journal hinted at events in prior entries. it was like a big picture began to reveal itself as i continued reading.

what i find surprising, was my own surprise when i was reading the story. it isn’t like i was looking back into someone else’s autobiography. these were my thoughts, my musings, and my memories. so why did it feel like such a voyeuristic experience? then i figured it out.

I’m not that guy anymore.

I know I've been nodding my head as if I'm hearing you, but I wasn't really LISTENING. I'll try not to do it again. I'm sorry, music. <3

how you listen to music can really influence how you appreciate music. I’m not necessarily talking about whether you listen to it with cans or buds, and tweeters or woofers (although it can let you appreciate the overall sound of the album). i’m referring to how one ingests the music. how he or she experiences it. how we feel it.

The other night a friend and i were having a bonding conversation about our process of how we digest an album. we were both talking about how we initially groove to an album upon first run. feel it in your bones as your head nods to the rhythm. on second spin, you begin hearing the words to the songs and how they flirt back and forth with the melody. but hearing lyrics is different than listening; that’s what we do on the third turn. We start taking the nutrients from the platter that was served, and digest them slowly and internalize it. you begin finding its relevance in your life.

Some albums don’t make it past the appetizer round. but they’re probably not really ‘albums’; just collected singles that sound like a greatest misses album (and i don’t mean the P.E. kind. i mean bad meaning bad not bad meaning good.)

So as my letter to my mistress music… i’ll no longer accept your presence, but i’ll feel you.

if i feel you.

If you keep it honest, then people CAN'T hate. Don't holla at your boy... speak with your man. Real talk.

Today at lunch, a co-worker and i were talking about the different faces that we put on depending on who we’re talking to. Where some people may perceive these different faces as being phony or fake, I feel differently.

Doesn’t every one wear masks? At times, it’s even appropriate. You wouldn’t have the same attitude that you bring to show down at SOMA versus the way you’d carry yourself at the Civic Center. People filter themselves. Reserving your thoughts isn’t always a bad thing. However, lying others and yourself to get the smoke past the filters is never a good idea. You should never have to disguise the truth with lies and excuses.

It is much easier to tell the truth. there is less mess you’d have to monitor. the truth may sting others, but if you’re always keeping it “real”, you shouldn’t have to apologize for your opinions. you can’t control how others react to it, so let people react. it’s easier to say ‘sorry’ for blurting something that may have hurt, than to be sorry for reserving your opinion… because that way it hurts more than just one person.

Granted, people change their minds and opinions. Even the constitution has the 21st amendment to repeal the 18th. It’s okay to make amendments to your own rules and faces… however, don’t be a hypocrite. to me, a hypocrite is only a ladder rung up from being a liar.

so, in the end, don’t just keep it real. keep it honest.

Would you rather be wanted or needed?

I posed this question to a few of my friends already, and I’ve been intrigued by the conversations that follow. Some say they would rather be wanted, others claim they’d rather be needed. There are also the smart-asses who say they ‘want to be needed’ or even ‘need to be wanted’. Of these conversations, I always reveal my choice after they divulge theirs.

dating and dressers

“you should go on another date. soon.”

This is what one of my best friends said the other day, and she said it with sincerity. I replied with a knee-jerk ‘what?’.

“you need to put yourself out there again.”

It made me wonder why she even brought it up. Maybe because i have no new stories to tell her when it comes to my ‘<3 life’. Lately, i’ve been okay with that.

Here’s a related tangent that’ll make sense later:

I have no dresser in my room at this moment. in fact, it’s kind of bare. So as i was folding laundry tonight, i thought to myself… ‘how could i date when i don’t even have a dresser drawer for them to leave their stuff in?’. Why would i even think that though? I believe it’s as if i need to have all my ducks in a row before i get back into the dating swing of things. I think as if i need to have a better package deal before i’m put out on the sales floor. but why so serious?! dating shouldn’t lead to thoughts of reserved dresser drawers. it’s just dating. and it seems like lately, it’s not worth the effort… so i’m in no rush to finish furnishing my room.

Do bonus points actually count for anything? Can i just redeem them for something else?

I used to have a laundry list of things i wanted in a significant other. then through the years, it evolved to something more simple. the core four.

1) Teach me something new, and allow me to teach you something too.

2) Be able to maintain a healthy dialogue.

3) Laugh at my jokes, and I’ll laugh at yours.

4) Be open-minded, yet opinionated.

Everything else that used to be on that laundry list are now just bonus points. But can you redeem all these bonus points that one collects… (especially if they don’t have the core four above)? As a recipient of many brownie points, I could tell you that feelings trump checklists. Even if things look good on paper, and all the bonus points added up… you still counting numbers. and no one wants to be, or should be treated as, a statistic. i know i don’t want to be another number…

except The One.

ha.

say cheese(y)!

#Conferchious says "Sometimes you aren't your type's type." #MarinateOnThat

of the many things that i’ve learned in the past year, acknowledging and realizing that sometimes you aren’t your type’s type is probably the biggest lesson to learn. it may be a bitter reality, but i’m sure most people have been on both sides. there were probably people that have pursued you, but you couldn’t fake those feelings. yeah, it sucks. but to lie and feign attraction is worse. and if i were the person doing the pursuing, i’d much rather have the the recipient reciprocate…(One-sided, unrequited ©). no one likes to be the antagonist… but maybe there is an opportunity to be the villain with a heart of gold.

However, there is no reason to vilify the person who we feel might have spurned us. it isn’t their fault that they don’t like you. you just don’t fit the idea of what they want. just because that person crosses off items on your laundry list of what you want in a romantic interest, doesn’t mean that you have traits that they’re crossing off of their list.

but that’s okay.

no harm… so no reason to be foul.

Talk is cheap...only if your word is worthless.

“All I got in this world is my balls and my word… and I don’t break either of ‘em for nobody” - Scarface (the movie… not the rapper).

Transparency, honesty, & conviction. These are a few of the “resolutions” I’d like to make this year. In the end, I think they’ll be more stepping stones to become the person that I’d like to be.

Transparency in my life will aide me in being more open with others and develop deeper relationships with others. I have a hard time become transparent with newer people I meet. Not that I’ll divulge every chapter of my life story in the first couple weeks of me knowing someone, but I’d like to give as much as I get. People just need to ask the right questions… and I’ll answer them honestly.

Which brings us to number two: Honesty. Not that I am a dishonest man; however, I tend to lie to myself. I lie to myself about how I may be feeling…and I don’t think that’s right anymore. If I’m feeling a certain way, if asked or prompted, I should speak my feelings honestly. In the past, I’ve said ‘if you don’t vent, you’ll blow up’… and we don’t want to go all fukushima, do we? (shout out to all my people that didn’t have to google ‘fukushima’).

Finally, the third thing I’d like to work on is ‘conviction’. If I were to conduct myself with conviction, confidence stems from that. Say your words with conviction, even if it’s the phrase “I don’t know”. If one speaks with conviction, it’s because they truly believe the words they are saying. If one acts with conviction, he or she can take confident steps in what they do. Before, I’d say things I’d want to do, and ultimately they wouldn’t manifest. Also I’d use qualifiers like there is no tomorrow. but there IS a tomorrow (unless you believe the whole 2012 thing), and unless you get convicted.

I believe that all of the above can be great strides as I walk down life’s path. Transparency, honesty, and conviction… the three go hand-in-hand(-in-hand).So in 2012… it’s all about T.H.C*…

*see what i did there?

"why am I trying to work on finding my other half, when I need to find my whole self first?"

“where’s your other half?”. I never get this question. maybe because i don’t have another half. a better question is, ‘do i need another half?’

a while back I read Aristophane’s Speech from Plato’s Symposium, and for a while i believed in order to attain happiness I needed to find this other half of mine again.

a few years after, I stumbled across Shel Silverstein’s “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O”… if you haven’t read it, i suggest you click the link. There’s something to be said about the ability of a children’s book to be simple yet profound. After reading this book, I knew that I couldn’t sit around waiting to see who I fit with. I needed to ‘roll on’.

This particular tweet was from over 15 months ago, and I’m glad that I have been moving (in more ways than one). I feel my energy is no longer “potential energy”, but rather “kinetic”… only because there has been action… and it’s astounding to see thoughts finally manifest. Cycles are being broken and i believe my direction is being set into motion. i’m no longer making Circles.. i’m now making progress. The only circles i’ll make now will be like the Big O…